My soul is unfulfilled.

I feel like an empty vessel. I cannot express myself in the ways I want, and it is leaving me unhappy with life in general.

Most happy people have something that is the corner stone of their being; a medium through which they can release and pour in themselves to achieve some sort of exorcism of negativity. Whether it be painting, music, a sport or whatever, that becomes the one thing they go to when they need that escape.

I do many things. I write music. I write poetry. I take photographs. I do these things because I am an artistic person at heart. I like imagery, colour, texture and sound. These things are real to me, and they stimulate my mind. 

However, I’m gradually finding it harder to do this. I am an immensely self-critical person, and if I don’t reach certain goals or don’t like my work, I don’t do it. I lose my love for it. I lose confidence. I look at what other people are doing and I see how much more successful they are, and that hurts me. It shouldn’t, because I should be doing these things for myself, but it highlights my own skill level and that makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I’ve lost.

I see people who are better or more successful at music or photography, and it makes me hate my own craft. It makes me want to throw it all away. Photography work is far and few between, and I’m not always happy with my work. I haven’t even bothered making myself a site yet though I have planned it for months. I have tried for years to make a band to no avail. I have written albums worth of music only to delete it all because I end up hating it. I practice and then realise how far I am from what I want to be, and that makes me not want to play.

So that’s where I am now. I’m disillusioned with myself and life as a whole. I feel incomplete and with no method of expression. The idea of giving up music has been on my mind a lot lately. I think of selling all my guitars and deleting music I have written; albums and albums of material people will never hear. I feel like just doing photography as a casual thing to make some money when I get the chance, but I don’t know what I’d do otherwise.

Something is missing in my life, and until that void is filled I will not be content.